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I am “coasting” again tonight, no meds, no trigger.  My eggs are ready, but I guess my E2 didn’t cooperate, so I am stuck for now.  Will return tomorrow morning for more bloodwork and ultrasound.  The ultrasound today was not bad, the gentle female resident returned and got the job done with no pain.   So now I know that all the pain yesterday was unnecessary, and I just hope the resident is there again tomorrow!!  I’m so sick and tired of all of this right now.  I guess tomorrow we will either trigger or cancel, so not much longer now either way.

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My E2 level is really high (4750) so I am not triggering tonight.  I am doing no shots tonight and going back tomorrow for another check.  My ultrasound this morning was really painful, I am not looking forward to another one.  Especially if I am just going to be canceled.  I am scared of being canceled now.  And scared of NOT being canceled and then getting OHSS.  Why can’t anything be easy and go right??  Blech.

On the positive side, maybe my high estrogen levels are making me better looking.

My ovaries are running the show now.  When I go to pee, they bully my poor little bladder and it is has to put forth a valiant effort to do its job.  When I walk my duck-like waddle, with each step I can feel them clumping around in there..”right ovary, left ovary, right ovary, left ovary.”  I am eating fiber like crazy but am still nervous of blowing my belly button out when I go to take care of business.  I have indigestion and gas, which makes everything that much more enjoyable.  I also started getting a little dizzy today, and have sequestered myself to the couch (more movie reviews to come).  

I am very uncomfortable and ready to get the show on the road.  

At ultrasound this morning, my left ovary’s eggs were noticeably larger than the right, so I am guessing the trigger is coming tomorrow night, and not Tuesday.  That means I still have to somehow live with these bean bags in me for another 2 days!!

Ok, so its only day 9, but it FEELS like day 82 and like my ovaries can’t possibly get any bigger.  They are sore….sore when I get up, sore when I walk, sore when I pee…I am about ready to get them out!!  They feel like grapefruits in there!!  Let’s hope that this is all worth it.

I’m leaning much more towards putting 2 embros back in (God willing we have 2) for ET.  It really is only 50/50 this works, and that is with putting 2 back.  And I have seen enough of my cycle sistas who put two back and get pregnant with one baby.  And plenty who get pregnant with none.  If I only put one back and get a BFN, I will forever second guess myself about “what if it was the OTHER one that would have taken???”   And I won’t be able to live in that world.  And if  2 go in and both take, I will be so glad that the other one wasn’t left out of my body and maybe wouldn’t have made it otherwise. So I think I am choosing to live in a world where twins are a possibility that I can handle.  I am semi-young and healthy, and there is no reason to think that I can’t bring a healthy set of twins into this world.  And I can raise them as millions of women have done before me.  I need to stop worrying about all of the complications with twins…they are a risk I am willing to take, as any normal women should be when she decides to get knocked up.

Triplets are another story, so lets just hope that two is the maximum number, and that those embryos don’t make things interesting and decide to divide again once they are settled in.

It is nice to be optimistic….I feel a little like I am jinxing myself debating on whether to put one or two back in…there could be none!  But we do need to be prepared for the best, so I think 2 is going to be the magic number.

I had the “nice” doctor today.  He actually bears some semblance to a human being, attuned to the health and well being of his patients, which is refreshingly awesome and moving.  Don’t get me wrong, all of the docs at my clinic (including mine) are nice and I like them fine.  But this doc took the time to check out ME and not just my swelling ovaries.   He came in, rubbed my arm…”Hello, sweetie, how are you, how are you feeling?”  He’s so nice.  And he turned the screen during the ultrasound so that I could see it, too.  I have 8, maybe 10 on the right and about 8 on the left.  He was happy with everything and said I would probably trigger Tuesday.  That’s a long time to stim (12 days) but I am trying to see it as more time for all of my follies to mature.  I’ll see him again on Sunday, so I have the day off tomorrow!  Woo-hoo!

My fourth ultrasound went well.  They are bumping my follistim back up, to 125 for tonight.  The doc said everything looks good, which was enough detail for me.

WARNING: TMI

I somehow developed a low grade yeast infection (I think), but the only symptom is the chunky white discharge.  It was alot on Sunday, but now isn’t much.  On Monday my OBGYN looked and took a culture that won’t be back until tomorrow (Friday).   My RE looked today and said to treat with monistat and not worry about it.  Of course I am worried about it anyway.  I have never had a yeast infection, nor used monistat.  I put the little capsule suppostitory in about 10 minutes ago, and am waiting for terrible things to start happening.  The reviews online vary, but there are alot of women who experience quite a bit of discomfort using this drug.   Thank goodness they seemed to be balanced by women who say it’s ok.  I want to get rid of it and have a normal vagina for my ER.  The doc said he’s never cancelled an ER due to infection, so let’s hope I don’t become the first!

Third ultrasound was uneventful.  I still have about 8 follies on each side.  My husband (who goes with me to every appointment, bless his heart) says they look “bigger than last time.”  No music at all today from the nurses, which was kind of a let down.

I haven’t asked for my estrogen numbers, nor for the size of my follies.   And my clinic is a “don’t ask don’t tell” kind of operation.  They just call and give me my instructions, in a Mission Impossible, short and to the point kind of way.   “Your mission is: Decrease follistim by 50 units, continue lupron and repronex in the same quantities. Report at 0700 hours tomorrow morning.  That is all.”  But, if I ask them, I know they will not hesitate to tell me that my estrogen is at 20 billion parts per blood droplet, and then I will start obsessing about OHSS.  And if I’m getting OHSS there’s no stopping it, and obsessing won’t change anything.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned through this whole IF process, its that I can’t control anything when it comes to my reproductive heritage, and when I made the IVF decision, I handed the whole big mess over to the docs.  And I have no other choice but to trust them.  And I sort of do.  I know that they are closely monitoring me and adjusting meds as necessary.  I know that they will trigger me at the correct time….and that if my follies start going haywire, they will tell me that and maybe we won’t trigger.  Either way, not a damn thing I can do about it, so why bother  obsessing over what’s to come?  In this situation, for me, ignorance is truly bliss.   I’m just along for the ride.

I started feeling fat today….my lower tummy feels bigger and I am in the first stages of what I know will become a waddle walk.  Luckily, I only have one more day of work left before 2 weeks off.  And I have been wearing my “work mumus” in to the office, so I don’t have to snap or zip anything over my beat up stomach.  Plus I don’t have to get depressed about how my pants are too tight, so it’s win-win.

Work mumus by the way, are just dresses without restrictive waistbands.   So I can feel pretty and feminine and not worry that my tummy looks like a sausage roll.  I probably would have been best born into another culture, where the caftan –

Slimming Stripes!

Slimming stripes!

sarong –

No "muffin top" problems here!

No "muffin top" problems here!

sari –

No IVF injection site irritation!

No IVF injection site irritation!

and mumu –

Mumus - the ultimate freedon

Mumus - the ultimate freedon

are the way it’s done.  These cultures understand a woman’s body….. and then cover it all up.  I wonder how they would react if I showed up for work in a sari…..probably an experiment that is worth doing.

I have 16 follicles ready to go!  I am very happy with this number, and hope that they all grow at a nice even pace.  The doc said its early yet, and all of them might not grow, but even if I have a few less that 16, I’ll still be happy.

The doc who saw me today bears a strong resemblance to Tom Green (like Tom Green’s chubbier older brother) if he were impersonating a doctor, and I always want to laugh when he comes in and starts talking.  It seems like such a put on.  He had a female resident with him today who was oh-so-gentle with the dildo cam.  Doc Green had to grab it away from her and started jabbing my internal organs with it in order to get anything accomplished.  I was touched by the resident’s gentleness with the prod, and think that this not only came from her being a newbie, but also because she’s a woman and knows that dildo cam is not a terribly comfortable experience.

I was also suspicious that the nurses may have been smoking weed in the back, because they were playing The Beatles “Let it Be” album over the loudspeaker and the volume was pretty high.  Loud enough so that while the doctor was checking me, I had to really strain to hear him over the music.  Usually they play soothing classical selections at a low level, so this was very strange.

All in all, a good day so far!

I went for my 1st ultrasound today.  The doc says it looks like I have “potential for alot of good growth,” which sounds good to me.  I’m not going to ask for numbers for awhile.  The fact that things are coming alive in there means that I have likely avoided being oversurpressed, which is good news after being on lupron so long.  Now I just need not to overstim, and all will be right with the world.

The shots are not too bad; the needle sizes are the same as the lupron, but the amount of medicine is considerably more.  The repronex does sting a bit going in, but it’s not as terrible as I’ve been led to believe.  It’s funny, but my body has an automatic response to the shots.  As soon as I push the needle in, my heart starts pounding and I can hear it in my head…I guess it’s adrenaline flowing, telling my body to “get the fuck out of this horrifying situation – immediately….NOW STUPID, RUN NOW, GO GO GO!!!.”

I go back for Ultrasound Tuesday at 7, which means leaving the house at 6:20 which means getting up at…..too early for me.  I’m sure the coming days will bring more of the same, so perhaps I can adjust my body clock and start going to bed at 7:30 the night before (Joke.  But not really.)

Random rant – On our way home this morning,  there was this biker in oncoming traffic who had a HUGE shoulder in which to ride.  Probably a good 4 feet’s worth.   He chose not to take advantage of this space, and instead drove IN the road.  Which caused the oncoming cars to swerve out around him, which caused us to swerve into the shoulder on our side of the road.  To avoid being killed in a head on collision.  I feel like there are some bikers out there who think they’re just better than all of us fatties riding in our pollution producing cars, and so do whatever they want road rules wise to give us all the metaphorical finger.  And there’s nothing I can do about it, which makes me mad.  I guess I can honk and yell out the window at them.  Maybe I’ll do that next time, see if helps.

Last night I did my first stim shots, 75 iu repronex and 150 follistim.  It was a bit nerve wracking playing mad scientist in the kitchen, but we got through only wasting a few drops of meds and 1 syringe.   The follistim meds were just kind of free flowing out of the pen without us doing anything, so that wasn’t really our fault.  We used the big needled syringe to mix the meds and then got a little too eager and thought it was time to switch needles before actually drawing the meds up.  The needle doesn’t get changed until the meds are ready to go in.   So we figured it out and I injected myself with no other problems.

Helpful tips: Repronex has a bad rep for stinging upon injection.  The tip I’ve heard is to let the meds sit for about 10 minutes after mixing, which help decrease the sting factor.  I followed this advice, and there was no stinging.   I also massaged the area afterwards for a bit, to spread the meds out,  and don’t have any bumps or welts today.  Redness, soreness to the touch and a little itchy, but otherwise the injection site is fine.

Lupron decided to have its last hurrah yesterday, seeing as it was no longer going to be the center of my attention.  I decreased my dose to 5 units yesterday, and ended up with the worst migraine I’ve had the entire three weeks I’ve been on it.  I also had a ton of hot flashes, and stuck my head in the freezer to cool off!  My (very scientifically informed) theory is that the decrease in Lupron allowed some of my natural hormones  to get back into my system.  So it was like a prison break – with my normal hormones chomping at the bit to run free and wreak their usual havoc.  But Police Officer Tylenol was on the scene quickly and beat them down into submission.  I feel ok today.  Small headache, tired, but none worse for the wear.

Woo hoo, only 9-12 more days to go!  1st ultrasound tomorrow at 8:15….will anything be alive in there??