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I took an HPT this morning, its 10 dp3dt, so something should be showing on that goddamn test, but no, only one clear solid line.  My blood test is on Monday, I guess I’ll POAS Sunday just to confirm the news.  I had been on and off crampy this whole time, which my Hope Addict was sure was a sign that this time was different.  But today I am feeling period crampy, which would be about right, as I ovulated on Thursday or Friday 2 weeks ago.  

I hadn’t posted this month because, well,  I am sick and tired of talking about it.  Everyone knows and I have to tell everyone what’s going on, and there is just nothing left to say so it sucks to pretend to be positive and optimistic about it. And that there is any rhyme or reason to it all.  Especially when everyone is so sure it will work.  

The transfer was uneventful, other than the fact that my bladder wasn’t full and the mean doctor (the one I hate who was the only one on duty that day of course) had to rig up some tortuous implement to make sure the embryos got in ok.  She said they did, and it was a “smooth transfer” but of course I am blaming this BFN on my less than full bladder.  

I hate my infertility.  Hate my body for not doing what it is naturally programmed to do.  Hate hate hate.

We are done now for awhile and I have no other choice but to live with it…. I left my job when we moved and my husband’s insurance won’t cover infertility treatment, so that’s it for us for awhile.  Maybe Obama will help us all out soon with the crappy insurance issues.  We have 3 frosties left, but only one of them looked somewhat interesting to the doc.  I’m thinking that if 4 of the surviving 7 embryo didn’t work, there is something wrong with them/wrong with the “material” that went into making them.  I guess we will try on our own until something happens to let us pay for those last freezer babies.  I am thinking of buying that “fertility blend” …  has anyone ever used it?  Feels like the equivalent of buying the magic elixir at an old time medicine show.  But hey, grasping at straws is all we’ve got. 

How does one not become completely and utterly depressed?  I guess life goes on whether I am pregnant or not.  In a few weeks, we are going to UK to visit my sister in law who just gave birth to her 3rd child in 5 years.  As awful as it is, it will be very hard for me to share in the joy and happiness of the latest birth.  

Sigh.  Hope anyone who reads my blog is well.   In addition to not writing, I have not been reading about infertility either this past month…had to remove myself from it a bit.  But I know that for those of us who are not pregnant, staying in a community is helpful no matter how hard it seems, so I will make an effort going forward to support my infertile sisters. 

Best to you all…


Saw the doc this morning, who suggested a natural cycle frozen cycle to change things up this time.  I am super excited about this, as I am anti-drug in general, and have been pretty horrified by the amount of IVF drugs I have consumed over the last three months.  I will still have to take medrol and keflex around the transfer, plus a small progesterone support afterwards.  Compared to what I’ve been taking, this is a huge reduction… the pharmaceutical companies are going to wonder what happened to their revenue stream.

I am on cycle day 1, and will see the doc on cycle day 5, then probably cycle day 9.  I will be monitoring my ovulation through OPK and he will monitor through ultrasound, and hopefully between the two of us we can get the transfer timing correct (he says 3 days after OPK surge).  To make things interesting, I am moving out of state next weekend, so that the next time I go back after CD9, I will be making a 3 hour trip to see the doc.  And if its anything like the other appointments I’ve been to, the actual exam will last about 17.3 seconds, making the 6 hour round trip seem exceptionally cruel.  I’m sure there will be a lot of waiting room action, though, which will bizzarely probably make me feel better about it.  We discussed moving the embryos, but that makes me too nervous, so I’m going to suck it up and travel ALOT for FET #2.  Luckily I have a few friends in the area where I can crash, so that should help a bit with the back and forth.

Doc put up the option of a second attempt at a fresh cycle, but noted that I might just always hyperstimulate for IVF, and a fresh cycle is not necessarily in my future.  I had never considered this before, which was a bit depressing.  He said for my IVF cycle I was on a small dose of drugs to begin with and dropped down to nothing at the end, and still had moderate/severe OHSS, so he figures it will be tricky/lucky/impossible to not get my ovaries in a frenzy the next time.  In which case we would freeze everything again and do another frozen cycle, in which case we might as well use the frosties we currently have.  He says 3 of the 5 are looking good, which was encouraging to me, because I have been thinking they’re all rejects.

I am really hoping our baby is in that freezer somewhere….

It didn’t work.  I took an 2 HPTs Sunday morning, both negative, which prepared me for Monday’s blood test result.  We are going to see the doc this morning to talk about how to move forward.  We do have 5 other frozen embryos, but their quality is not great.  I am still going to give them a shot, while mentally preparing for IVF #2.

There is nothing to say here except that life is not fair sometimes.  We have done everything right to become parents, spent alot of money and have nothing to show for it except the 15 pounds I have gained, and a deep heartache.  We will try again.  I may be up for another IVF cycle, just to get a fresh transfer done, and if that doesn’t work, I think I will be out.


The transfer went well, I suppose.  One embryo didn’t make the thaw, but another one stepped in to take it’s place, so that was ok.  I am still not sure why all the drama – scrubs, surgery room, hair bonnets, recovery room…my only theory is that the extraordinary fragility of the embryos mandates a completely sterile environment.  I was so nervous that they were going to whip out the scalpels and needles and chainsaws when I went into the operating room…because why else go in there, and why require that my husband be there to drive me home and “take care of me”?  I was sure it was a trick of some kind.  I also thought that they would put my husband in scrubs and have him come in, but he was asked to wait.  I’d love to hear others thoughts on/experiences of the transfer.

My biggest fear, the Full Bladder, wasn’t a problem…I peed just a little before it all started (tone those kegal muscles!), which left the right amount to get the job done without peeing all over the doctor.  I was also able to lie still in the recovery room for an hour before using the bathroom.  So my advice to anyone going into the transfer is, don’t be afraid to pee a little before things start….it’s unnecessary to be extremely uncomfortable during the procedure.  You will be happy that you did when they start whacking on your full bladder with the ultrasound.

So, the little embryos are inside of me now….and I’m wondering what they’re doing in there….did they fall out……are they picking a spot to stay….are they even still alive?   Even though on one level I feel like there’s no way this will work, I’m also inviting the little guys to stick around, and feel happy and ok with the whole thing.  I’ve also decided to take a HPT the day before my beta, so that I can be forwarned of the phone call I will get from the nurses the next day.  If its negative, I want to know that it’s negative before they do….ya know?

Thanks for everyone’s well wishes!

My FET is tomorrow, which reminds me that I have to call the office in a few minutes to get the transfer time.  Can’t they just call ME when they know the time….I am paying them thousands of dollars after all.

Anyhow, I think I am more nervous about the full bladder requirement than anything else.  I’ve had ultrasounds before with a full bladder and it was awful, and that was without the added fun of a cervical cathetar.

I hope the embryos thaw ok.  I have read awful accounts where NONE of the frozen embryos made it out of the freezer.  I guess in the end maybe these were mixed blessings….if the embryos couldn’t make the thaw, they probably wouldn’t have made a viable pregnancy either, and so the failed thaw ended up saving the woman from the stress of a negative 2WW or worse, an early miscarriage.  So, if my embryos don’t thaw, I’ll just look at it as a favor from God, because otherwise I don’t think I could deal.   If they do thaw, we’re sticking 2 in, and hoping for the best.  Early on in this process I pondered whether putting one or two in was the better choice….now I’m like, “might as well stick all 8 in cause I’m not doing this again!”

My endometrin inserts are going fine, a bit drippy, but otherwise not an issue.  The tips about the pantyliners held true, and prepared me for the insert resulting goo.  So far (speaking without any urinary tract or yeast infections) I prefer them to the PIO shots.  And so does my husband, who admitted to me this morning that he had been afraid that the 2″ needle was going to “snap off” every time he put the shot in my butt.

So….I’ll report back on the experience tomorrow!

I got my period Monday and started taking Estrace.  I am a bit headachy, which is normal for me, but I’m blaming it on the Estrace anyhow.  Lousy hormones.

I’m feeling very negative about this cycle.  I am absolutely sick of drugs and non-personable doctors and having to give up control of my body.  And sure, I know if I get pregnant it will all be worth it.  The problem is, I am not feeling very impregnable these days.

I feel like I will be forever taking drugs and having early morning appointments and needles stuck into me and dildo cams and maxi pads…..and that’s it.  I just see it as a never ending state of being.  No end result.  Infertility treatments have started to become a part of who I am, and make up the daily grind of my existence.

I am unable to envision the light at the end of the tunnel anymore….I’m just stuck in there, stalled.

I guess the good news is that I don’t necessarily see this as an omen.   It’s more like a lack of hope….I just have stopped hoping that anything can be done to knock me up.  It’s not like I’m stressed out about the process or feel depressed or dread of the outcome….I actually feel very apathetic about the whole thing.  I still want to have a baby, I just can’t imagine it happening at this point.

Maybe its a defense mechanism to protect me if this transfer doesn’t work.

But more good news is that I don’t believe that pregnancy occurs because a mindset.  Conditions are either right, or they’re not, and it will either work or it won’t.  People get pregnant all the time who don’t want a baby, who are stressed, depressed, worn out, crazy, etc.  I just can’t for some reason imagine seeing those two lines on the pregnancy test…..

On a positive completely non-related note, I love how Project Runway and Top Chef alternate on Bravo.  Two of my favorite shows.  At least some things in the universe are fair and balanced and good.

Went to the doc yesterday, who says things look good down there.  With my next period, I will start estrace and then after the transfer, in lieu of PIO injections, have been allowed to switch to endomertrium.  I don’t know what this is, but am thinking it can’t be any worse than a sore butt for 3 months.  I will have to do a little research….I know that alot of docs prefer the shot because they can measure with 100% efficiency how much progesterone is getting in to the system.  Whereas the suppositories, rings, etc, can get a bit messy and um, leak, which means some medicine didn’t make it in.  But enough people seem to have used it and been fine, and as I am not crazy about self injecting (husband will be away for a week), I’m willing to give it a try.  Any comments on endometrium are very welcome!!  So for now……just waiting…… for the period….again.

The OHSS has passed, and I am feeling much better.  All of the embryos are frozen and just waiting for the right time to be thawed.  So, maybe someday I will be pregnant……Oct. will be our first chance at a frozen cycle.  I’ll be taking estrace, which I don’t know anything about, I am just hoping it is in oral and not shot form.  Anyone out there been through an FET?