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I took an HPT this morning, its 10 dp3dt, so something should be showing on that goddamn test, but no, only one clear solid line.  My blood test is on Monday, I guess I’ll POAS Sunday just to confirm the news.  I had been on and off crampy this whole time, which my Hope Addict was sure was a sign that this time was different.  But today I am feeling period crampy, which would be about right, as I ovulated on Thursday or Friday 2 weeks ago.  

I hadn’t posted this month because, well,  I am sick and tired of talking about it.  Everyone knows and I have to tell everyone what’s going on, and there is just nothing left to say so it sucks to pretend to be positive and optimistic about it. And that there is any rhyme or reason to it all.  Especially when everyone is so sure it will work.  

The transfer was uneventful, other than the fact that my bladder wasn’t full and the mean doctor (the one I hate who was the only one on duty that day of course) had to rig up some tortuous implement to make sure the embryos got in ok.  She said they did, and it was a “smooth transfer” but of course I am blaming this BFN on my less than full bladder.  

I hate my infertility.  Hate my body for not doing what it is naturally programmed to do.  Hate hate hate.

We are done now for awhile and I have no other choice but to live with it…. I left my job when we moved and my husband’s insurance won’t cover infertility treatment, so that’s it for us for awhile.  Maybe Obama will help us all out soon with the crappy insurance issues.  We have 3 frosties left, but only one of them looked somewhat interesting to the doc.  I’m thinking that if 4 of the surviving 7 embryo didn’t work, there is something wrong with them/wrong with the “material” that went into making them.  I guess we will try on our own until something happens to let us pay for those last freezer babies.  I am thinking of buying that “fertility blend” …  has anyone ever used it?  Feels like the equivalent of buying the magic elixir at an old time medicine show.  But hey, grasping at straws is all we’ve got. 

How does one not become completely and utterly depressed?  I guess life goes on whether I am pregnant or not.  In a few weeks, we are going to UK to visit my sister in law who just gave birth to her 3rd child in 5 years.  As awful as it is, it will be very hard for me to share in the joy and happiness of the latest birth.  

Sigh.  Hope anyone who reads my blog is well.   In addition to not writing, I have not been reading about infertility either this past month…had to remove myself from it a bit.  But I know that for those of us who are not pregnant, staying in a community is helpful no matter how hard it seems, so I will make an effort going forward to support my infertile sisters. 

Best to you all…

It didn’t work.  I took an 2 HPTs Sunday morning, both negative, which prepared me for Monday’s blood test result.  We are going to see the doc this morning to talk about how to move forward.  We do have 5 other frozen embryos, but their quality is not great.  I am still going to give them a shot, while mentally preparing for IVF #2.

There is nothing to say here except that life is not fair sometimes.  We have done everything right to become parents, spent alot of money and have nothing to show for it except the 15 pounds I have gained, and a deep heartache.  We will try again.  I may be up for another IVF cycle, just to get a fresh transfer done, and if that doesn’t work, I think I will be out.

Blech.