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I got my period Monday and started taking Estrace.  I am a bit headachy, which is normal for me, but I’m blaming it on the Estrace anyhow.  Lousy hormones.

I’m feeling very negative about this cycle.  I am absolutely sick of drugs and non-personable doctors and having to give up control of my body.  And sure, I know if I get pregnant it will all be worth it.  The problem is, I am not feeling very impregnable these days.

I feel like I will be forever taking drugs and having early morning appointments and needles stuck into me and dildo cams and maxi pads…..and that’s it.  I just see it as a never ending state of being.  No end result.  Infertility treatments have started to become a part of who I am, and make up the daily grind of my existence.

I am unable to envision the light at the end of the tunnel anymore….I’m just stuck in there, stalled.

I guess the good news is that I don’t necessarily see this as an omen.   It’s more like a lack of hope….I just have stopped hoping that anything can be done to knock me up.  It’s not like I’m stressed out about the process or feel depressed or dread of the outcome….I actually feel very apathetic about the whole thing.  I still want to have a baby, I just can’t imagine it happening at this point.

Maybe its a defense mechanism to protect me if this transfer doesn’t work.

But more good news is that I don’t believe that pregnancy occurs because a mindset.  Conditions are either right, or they’re not, and it will either work or it won’t.  People get pregnant all the time who don’t want a baby, who are stressed, depressed, worn out, crazy, etc.  I just can’t for some reason imagine seeing those two lines on the pregnancy test…..

On a positive completely non-related note, I love how Project Runway and Top Chef alternate on Bravo.  Two of my favorite shows.  At least some things in the universe are fair and balanced and good.

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Went to the doc yesterday, who says things look good down there.  With my next period, I will start estrace and then after the transfer, in lieu of PIO injections, have been allowed to switch to endomertrium.  I don’t know what this is, but am thinking it can’t be any worse than a sore butt for 3 months.  I will have to do a little research….I know that alot of docs prefer the shot because they can measure with 100% efficiency how much progesterone is getting in to the system.  Whereas the suppositories, rings, etc, can get a bit messy and um, leak, which means some medicine didn’t make it in.  But enough people seem to have used it and been fine, and as I am not crazy about self injecting (husband will be away for a week), I’m willing to give it a try.  Any comments on endometrium are very welcome!!  So for now……just waiting…… for the period….again.

The OHSS has passed, and I am feeling much better.  All of the embryos are frozen and just waiting for the right time to be thawed.  So, maybe someday I will be pregnant……Oct. will be our first chance at a frozen cycle.  I’ll be taking estrace, which I don’t know anything about, I am just hoping it is in oral and not shot form.  Anyone out there been through an FET?