The transfer went well, I suppose.  One embryo didn’t make the thaw, but another one stepped in to take it’s place, so that was ok.  I am still not sure why all the drama – scrubs, surgery room, hair bonnets, recovery room…my only theory is that the extraordinary fragility of the embryos mandates a completely sterile environment.  I was so nervous that they were going to whip out the scalpels and needles and chainsaws when I went into the operating room…because why else go in there, and why require that my husband be there to drive me home and “take care of me”?  I was sure it was a trick of some kind.  I also thought that they would put my husband in scrubs and have him come in, but he was asked to wait.  I’d love to hear others thoughts on/experiences of the transfer.

My biggest fear, the Full Bladder, wasn’t a problem…I peed just a little before it all started (tone those kegal muscles!), which left the right amount to get the job done without peeing all over the doctor.  I was also able to lie still in the recovery room for an hour before using the bathroom.  So my advice to anyone going into the transfer is, don’t be afraid to pee a little before things start….it’s unnecessary to be extremely uncomfortable during the procedure.  You will be happy that you did when they start whacking on your full bladder with the ultrasound.

So, the little embryos are inside of me now….and I’m wondering what they’re doing in there….did they fall out……are they picking a spot to stay….are they even still alive?   Even though on one level I feel like there’s no way this will work, I’m also inviting the little guys to stick around, and feel happy and ok with the whole thing.  I’ve also decided to take a HPT the day before my beta, so that I can be forwarned of the phone call I will get from the nurses the next day.  If its negative, I want to know that it’s negative before they do….ya know?

Thanks for everyone’s well wishes!


My FET is tomorrow, which reminds me that I have to call the office in a few minutes to get the transfer time.  Can’t they just call ME when they know the time….I am paying them thousands of dollars after all.

Anyhow, I think I am more nervous about the full bladder requirement than anything else.  I’ve had ultrasounds before with a full bladder and it was awful, and that was without the added fun of a cervical cathetar.

I hope the embryos thaw ok.  I have read awful accounts where NONE of the frozen embryos made it out of the freezer.  I guess in the end maybe these were mixed blessings….if the embryos couldn’t make the thaw, they probably wouldn’t have made a viable pregnancy either, and so the failed thaw ended up saving the woman from the stress of a negative 2WW or worse, an early miscarriage.  So, if my embryos don’t thaw, I’ll just look at it as a favor from God, because otherwise I don’t think I could deal.   If they do thaw, we’re sticking 2 in, and hoping for the best.  Early on in this process I pondered whether putting one or two in was the better choice….now I’m like, “might as well stick all 8 in cause I’m not doing this again!”

My endometrin inserts are going fine, a bit drippy, but otherwise not an issue.  The tips about the pantyliners held true, and prepared me for the insert resulting goo.  So far (speaking without any urinary tract or yeast infections) I prefer them to the PIO shots.  And so does my husband, who admitted to me this morning that he had been afraid that the 2″ needle was going to “snap off” every time he put the shot in my butt.

So….I’ll report back on the experience tomorrow!

I got my period Monday and started taking Estrace.  I am a bit headachy, which is normal for me, but I’m blaming it on the Estrace anyhow.  Lousy hormones.

I’m feeling very negative about this cycle.  I am absolutely sick of drugs and non-personable doctors and having to give up control of my body.  And sure, I know if I get pregnant it will all be worth it.  The problem is, I am not feeling very impregnable these days.

I feel like I will be forever taking drugs and having early morning appointments and needles stuck into me and dildo cams and maxi pads…..and that’s it.  I just see it as a never ending state of being.  No end result.  Infertility treatments have started to become a part of who I am, and make up the daily grind of my existence.

I am unable to envision the light at the end of the tunnel anymore….I’m just stuck in there, stalled.

I guess the good news is that I don’t necessarily see this as an omen.   It’s more like a lack of hope….I just have stopped hoping that anything can be done to knock me up.  It’s not like I’m stressed out about the process or feel depressed or dread of the outcome….I actually feel very apathetic about the whole thing.  I still want to have a baby, I just can’t imagine it happening at this point.

Maybe its a defense mechanism to protect me if this transfer doesn’t work.

But more good news is that I don’t believe that pregnancy occurs because a mindset.  Conditions are either right, or they’re not, and it will either work or it won’t.  People get pregnant all the time who don’t want a baby, who are stressed, depressed, worn out, crazy, etc.  I just can’t for some reason imagine seeing those two lines on the pregnancy test…..

On a positive completely non-related note, I love how Project Runway and Top Chef alternate on Bravo.  Two of my favorite shows.  At least some things in the universe are fair and balanced and good.

Ok, so I suck at blogging lately.  Our house went under contract and I’m waiting for that to fall through, I got my period and started taking Estrace so am waiting for the embryo transfer (and then for it not to work) , told my job I was leaving and made my staff cry and reopened my vegan cake business.  s.t.r.e.s.s.  Random thoughts today:

1.  I gave in to the stomach bulge and bought fat pants.  After weeks of hormones and OHSS and loads of sitting on the couch eating potato chips, I put on a few pounds.  I am trying to get it off, and have been wearing dresses in the meantime…but it’s getting too cold.  And the choice was between buying wool mumus or bigger pants.   So I bought $10 clearance fat pants at Marshalls and feel depressed about it.

2.  Isn’t XM satellite radio supposed to be commercial free?  Isn’t that the point of PAYING for a radio subscription??  Hello?  I had  a rental car today with XM radio and was surprised to be listening to colon cleanse and biodiesal adverts in between the songs. Wtf.

3.  I HATE people who smoke in their cars and then throw their cigarettes out the window.  HATE.  I want to crash into them, pull them out by their hair, make them pick up the cigarette and throw it right the hell back in to their car.  If you throw your cigarettes out of the car window….sorry, but you’re a total asshole and I hate you.

That was pretty much my day.

Waiting for my period…..wishing I had used the OPK so it wouldn’t be such a mystery of when its going to show up.  It’s got to be here before Sunday I guess, but then, I know that alot of women wait a looonngg time after an IVF cycle for their beloved monthly visitor.  I got all my new and exciting meds and am ready to start popping pills now, and am getting impatient.  And if anyone says my period is late because I might be pregnant (like Hope Addict keeps whispering in the back of my mind), I will pop THEM.   Our sperm and eggs don’t mix at ALL, remember?!?  Not possible.  Plus my cramps are creeping in.

I’m ready again though, huh?   Maybe this time I’ll actually make it to the transfer.

Come on, McCain campaign, this is just silly….from reading Obama’s speech in context, you would have to be really crazy to think that the remark was directed towards Palin.  And whoever in the article made the jump saying, “and who has mentioned lipstick lately..??” made it seem like because Sarah Palin said “lipstick” within the past week, that obviously if Obama says the same word, he is directing it towards her.  If he had changed the phrase to say, “putting lipstick on a BULLDOG,” then she would have reason to take offense.  But he used a phrase common to politics, appropriate to the context of his speech.  As noted in the article, this is a phrase that he (and John McCain himself, mmkay?) have used before.   And I’m sure Palin has too.  If John McCain said it now, would he be indirectly referring to his running mate?  Of course not.  So just because Obama is in the opposing political party, he can’t use the phrase anymore without it referring towards Palin?  How stupid and immature and meaningless…and what a waste of the media’s time.

Politics is so fucking ridiculous today.  It is not about any of the things that it needs to be about.  None.  It is about “ooh, he said this,” and “you said that which means this,” and “I said this but didn’t mean that.”   It’s all complete and utter horse shit which doesn’t help anyone accomplish anything and it makes me very very angry.   And there is no end in sight.  My proposals?

Fix # 1 – The media is only allowed to report on politicians’ standings on the relevant issues.  They are not allowed to report on politician’s pastors, or past drug use, or pregnant children, or babies, or negative remarks/slurs, or what Jesse Jackson said, etc.  They can tell us, “Obama would like to remove our troops from Iraq” (with details of how/when) and “John McCain thinks we need to stay for awhile to sort it out” (with details how/when).  They should also disclose voting records.  If the media wasn’t reporting on the gossip, alot of the candidates’ nonsense would probably dry up and they would stick to the point.  But it seems too much to ask.   Which is terrible because people go in to the election being informed about non-relevant issues.

For instance: I know that Sarah Palin was governer of Nowhere Alaska, I know she has a pregnant teenage daughter, I know she is a hockey mom,  I know she belongs to a Christian cultish-sounding church, know her bulldog lipstick joke, and I know she has 4 kids and a baby with Down’s.  I actually do know one policy of hers through the pregnant daughter story: that she promotes abstinence education.  Which is kind of funny, but I digress.   But that’s it….that is what I have learned about Sarah Palin from the media, and what I am armed with to make my decision in 8 weeks as to whether she is fit to be VP of this country.   And while I will probably take the initiative and dig deeper, alot of Americans will not.  “Hey she’s a hockey mom, I am too, therefore we must be alike and she’s getting my vote!”

Fix # 2: Split the country into three sections.  The Republicans can have foreign wars, wiretapping, prayer in schools, teach about people with pet dinosaurs, guns, lower taxes and rich old white men, contribute to global warming, buy foreign oil, promote abstinence education and prevent pregnant teens from having abortions.   And the Democrats can have higher taxes and improved education and social programs, universal healthcare, more money for the arts, condoms and sex ed in schools, evolution, abortions on request by the mother, stem cell research, freedom of religion, pull out of foreign wars, promote a greener way of life, and legalize gay marriage.  And then people who want nothing to do with either party can have their own separate space to set up shop.

And I propose that the Republicans (who are not assisting in reducing greenhouse gasses) can live in the South, where the global warming shit hits the fan in a more pronounced manner.

Is anyone as fed up as I am?  Other ideas for making democracy better?

Everyone should vote….but we shouldn’t rely on the media for our information.  Check out balanced and non-partisan websites, which are your only chance of getting a glimpse of the bottom line.  Here is one that is pretty good:

Went to the doc yesterday, who says things look good down there.  With my next period, I will start estrace and then after the transfer, in lieu of PIO injections, have been allowed to switch to endomertrium.  I don’t know what this is, but am thinking it can’t be any worse than a sore butt for 3 months.  I will have to do a little research….I know that alot of docs prefer the shot because they can measure with 100% efficiency how much progesterone is getting in to the system.  Whereas the suppositories, rings, etc, can get a bit messy and um, leak, which means some medicine didn’t make it in.  But enough people seem to have used it and been fine, and as I am not crazy about self injecting (husband will be away for a week), I’m willing to give it a try.  Any comments on endometrium are very welcome!!  So for now……just waiting…… for the period….again.

 I watched the Jane Austen movies “Becoming Jane” and “Emma” during my OHSS couch time.  “Becoming Jane” is better than “Emma.”  But maybe its because I like James McAvoy and hate Gwyneth Paltrow.  I don’t really like Anne Hathaway, either, but I enjoyed her a bit more in this film than when I’ve seen her elsewhere.  Her English accent didn’t seem put-on, and I kind of believed her portrayal of Austen.  Even though apparently this isn’t a very accurate representation of Austen’s life.  Nevermind, James McAvoy makes the fabrication vastly more entertaining and watchable.  Have you noticed though, that poor James doesn’t ever seem to get the girl?  If you’ve seen “Atonement,” (and you should) you’ll recognize that he seems to end up in the same sad situation in both of these films.  And I guess he doesn’t get any in “Chronicles of Narnia” either.  Has anyone ever seen him in a film where he has the happy ending?  Of course, its the sexual tension and lack of fulfillment that make the films that much more romantic and heartbreaking, so I’m fine with it.

Mr. Tumnus didn't have a life partner either.


“Emma” was ok, but felt a bit stiff to me….probably because it’s pretty similarly scripted to match the language in the book?  The interesting thing for me was noticing the similarities to “Clueless,” one of my all time favorite movies.  I knew that “Clueless” was based loosely on “Emma,” but it really is alot closer in plotline than I expected.  But Gwyneth Paltrow is just annoying, and I can’t ever watch her and not be aware that it’s her, which I think is the sign of a poor actor.  Ha, isn’t it weird that she used to be Brad Pitt’s main squeeze?  Does anyone even remember pre-Angelina/Jennifer Brad?  And he went out with Juliette Lewis, too, which is just strange.  I think Jennifer Anniston is probably the only chick he’s had that he didn’t meet on a movie set and end up sleeping with…..Angelina better watch out and keep him working in non-sexual movie roles.  I think he’s probably going to be a nice guy in real life….but also a scumbag if you know what I mean. 

To sum it all up – watch “Becoming Jane” if it’s on, for the James McAvoy sexual tension.  And avoid “Emma,” unless you are a big fan of “Clueless.”  And enjoy a trip down memory lane with Brad Pitt’s pre-tabloid mania relationships:

"Becoming Gwyneth"?

"Becoming Gwyneth"?


Ha ha.

Ha ha.

I love them.  Which is why, like a sucker, I shelled out $4.99 for the new premium m&ms.   I thought to myself, “Hmmm, ok, I could buy two 3 pound bags of M&Ms that would last me through 2011 for 5 bucks, or I could buy 23 fancy M&Ms.”  And I bought those fancy pants little suckers because I couldn’t resist.  

Well, they stink.  And here’s why – no candy shell.  The color you see on the outside is spray painted right on to the chocolate.  Now really Mars Candy bigwigs – do you think consumers are eating M&Ms because of the outstanding quality of the chocolate?  No.  It’s the crunchy shell that sets the M&Ms apart from the crowd, so to ditch that was a huge error in my estimation.   Besides the lack of texture, this omission causes the milk chocolate to melt in my hands and not in my mouth.  

Hang on – I just found this review which seems to indicate that the mint flavor does have a crunchy shell.  Dammit, now I am wondering if I just got a reject batch or something.  If anyone else has had them, let me know!!

I watched most of the prime time olympics in Beijing this summer.  Here are my thoughts in no particular order:


  • Why do the women get to use music for their floor exercises, but the men don’t?  Is music too “girly” for men gymnasts?  They could always pick songs like “Welcome to the Jungle” or “Hot for Teacher” which I think would be win-win for both the gymnasts and the viewers.
  • Women’s beach volleyball is only broadcasted in prime time for the dirty old men of the olympic viewing audience.  This watchability factor for them increased exponentially  when the gold medal match was held in the pouring rain.  In WHITE bathing suits.
  • Slippery














  • The behavior of the American Men’s gymnastics team did not impress me.  Every  time the camera showed them (not during their event) most of them were very oaf-ish, doing “We’re number 1” and “Yeah, USA, baby!” into the camera.  I know they are adolescent male athletes, and so oaf-dome is expected, but it just annoyed me.  Behavior like that reinforces a negative stereotype of Americans to the rest of the watching world.
  • Does anyone care about cycling?
  • I wonder if the trampoline athletes are just failed gymnasts.  I am impressed when a woman flips on the balance beam and lands on one foot.  I am not impressed when a woman flips and lands on both feet on a large springy resilient surface.  Sorry, but really, how hard can that be??
  • Michael Phelps was awesome and it was especially cool that he won so much because he used to be bullied quite alot growing up.  I love it when the underdog wins.  But did that annoying blond woman really have to talk to him every stinkin’ time he got out of the pool?  I started to feel bad for him because she would grab him and say, “Wow, how does it feel to win…again?” and eventually he ran out of things to say and just started saying to her, “well, I’m really just speachless at this point.”
And that’s it really….just the closing ceremony tonight, which I am looking forward to.