I’ve just been checked out for the past few weeks, but am slowly checking back in to reality. Infertility still has such a grip on me, even though I am now 21 weeks pregnant. Going through IF for so long where everything sucks and things are broken and nothing goes the way you want/expect…..has left its mark. I am still waiting for something to go wrong, even though I’m doing much better than I was the first few weeks. In the beginning, I was certain that I was doomed. We started telling people around the 12 week mark, but it made me anxious. And things didn’t start feeling real in any way until 16 weeks when I heard the baby’s heart still beating inside of me. Last week we saw and heard the heart beating at our 20 wk ultrasound and found out we are having a boy….this has made it much more real and helped to check me back in to the real world, where we will most likely have a new family member in our lives in a few more months. (You can see how I said “most likely”….I am still not 100% convinced that this is actually happening.)

I hate how I’ve let IF cloud over some of the normal happiness of pregnancy…but I guess its normal. And I do feel great physically, am showing now and am starting to feel the bond that I will share with my son…..that IF crippled part of me is still just waiting for the bad news. Too many war stories I suppose. That’s why I haven’t been blogging at all for the past few weeks….I was in denial that something GOOD could really actually be happening to us, and didn’t want to jinx anything.

I’m feeling a bit more optimistic these days, and once I feel this baby kicking in me, I’m sure the feelings will grow stronger. So I hope to get back to blogging a bit more and record some of the “good stuff” for once!

I also want to send out congrats to everyone who reads this that got pregnant in the meantime…(I stopped reading IF blogs too, but caught up tonight and was so pleased to find that most of the formerly IF women I am linked to are not IF anymore either.) And my heart goes out to those still struggling….I definitely have guilt about being IF and now pregnant and will always be thinking about those whose dreams haven’t been realized yet.