I got my period Monday and started taking Estrace.  I am a bit headachy, which is normal for me, but I’m blaming it on the Estrace anyhow.  Lousy hormones.

I’m feeling very negative about this cycle.  I am absolutely sick of drugs and non-personable doctors and having to give up control of my body.  And sure, I know if I get pregnant it will all be worth it.  The problem is, I am not feeling very impregnable these days.

I feel like I will be forever taking drugs and having early morning appointments and needles stuck into me and dildo cams and maxi pads…..and that’s it.  I just see it as a never ending state of being.  No end result.  Infertility treatments have started to become a part of who I am, and make up the daily grind of my existence.

I am unable to envision the light at the end of the tunnel anymore….I’m just stuck in there, stalled.

I guess the good news is that I don’t necessarily see this as an omen.   It’s more like a lack of hope….I just have stopped hoping that anything can be done to knock me up.  It’s not like I’m stressed out about the process or feel depressed or dread of the outcome….I actually feel very apathetic about the whole thing.  I still want to have a baby, I just can’t imagine it happening at this point.

Maybe its a defense mechanism to protect me if this transfer doesn’t work.

But more good news is that I don’t believe that pregnancy occurs because a mindset.  Conditions are either right, or they’re not, and it will either work or it won’t.  People get pregnant all the time who don’t want a baby, who are stressed, depressed, worn out, crazy, etc.  I just can’t for some reason imagine seeing those two lines on the pregnancy test…..

On a positive completely non-related note, I love how Project Runway and Top Chef alternate on Bravo.  Two of my favorite shows.  At least some things in the universe are fair and balanced and good.