I feel frozen this week, like my whole life hinges on the results of tomorrow’s ultrasound (i.e. if Cysty has persisted), and nothing else is of any importance.   And I realize that this is a terrible attitude and can’t be good way to look at things.   And yet I go on with this tight little ball of anxiety in my stomach –  waiting for the big moment when the magical dildo cam will predict my future.  About 15 hours from now.

I probably should have been proactive about it.  But I think I am in a constant state of denial which makes it hard to take action.  For instance, I have not yet contacted my husband’s health benefits company to talk about how/if they cover IVF.  Which will be a really important consideration tomorrow if we are delayed again, or have to cancel the cycle.  I also have not looked too closely at the calendar to determine when the latest day is that we can do this thing and still let my husband travel overseas.  And the reason?  Because Denial Junky and Hope Addict have joined forces and have led me to believe that I am going to be cleared to start stims tomorrow, so why worry about it.   I want to move forward SO BAD.

Only a few more hours of not knowing.  I can get through.  And the decisions we have to make we can make tomorrow.  I guess I only will need to decide if we’re canceling before Friday’s Lupron shot.  And  I guess I can always keep shooting up until I decide, too.  So, it’s not that bad, really.  And maybe my “denial” has just been a defense mechanism to avoid unnecessary stress, right?  And I think I’m going to call out of work, to at least avoid one crappy area tomorrow (as I happen to be mighty unsatisfied in work at the moment).

I haven’t been drinking while on Lupron, but I think I have a glass of Bailey’s coming my way tonight.

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