I have been googling this question myself for the past few weeks, as I have felt nothing, and at 20 + weeks, this is a tad unusual. Reassuringly, we did see the little guy moving around on the 20 week ultrasound, so knew all was well…I just couldn’t feel him. This post is for other mamas who may google this question, as I have a clarification that may help others understand the sensation.

The answers that I found to this question ranged from “gas” to “like a feather running along inside of you.” But the most common answer I found is that it feels like “when your muscles ‘pop'”.

My best friend is also pregnant, felt her baby at around 18 weeks, and described it the same: “You know when you go to the gym, and you come home and your muscles pop? it feels like that.” And I was like, “First of all I don’t go to the gym, and even if I did, I’ve never felt my muscle ‘pop,’ so I am lost here.”

But, my mom had some clarification to that definition that coincided with me feeling the little guy for the first time. She said “No…its not really a “pop,” it’s more of a twitch or tic. You know, when your muscle goes, tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic?”

And this I could relate to. My muscles will on occasion twitch, generally in my upper arm, thigh, or eyelid. And when I briefly felt the baby later that day (at 21 weeks), a muscle “tic” in my uterus is exactly what it felt like. And since that day, if I sit in a certain position, or am laying in bed at night, I can feel these “twitches” more and more. Of course it is different than a twitch, because it is not constant or rhythmic in any way, and it is a bit of a stronger feeling. But for me (and of course everyone may feel it differently), the “twitching” or “tic-ing” is the right description of the sensation.

Last night, it was feeling a little more like punching and elbowing, and I guess it only gets more noticeable from here on out! And for those of you who still haven’t felt that baby, my doctor said some women get to 25-26 weeks before feeling it, so not to worry!

I’ve just been checked out for the past few weeks, but am slowly checking back in to reality. Infertility still has such a grip on me, even though I am now 21 weeks pregnant. Going through IF for so long where everything sucks and things are broken and nothing goes the way you want/expect…..has left its mark. I am still waiting for something to go wrong, even though I’m doing much better than I was the first few weeks. In the beginning, I was certain that I was doomed. We started telling people around the 12 week mark, but it made me anxious. And things didn’t start feeling real in any way until 16 weeks when I heard the baby’s heart still beating inside of me. Last week we saw and heard the heart beating at our 20 wk ultrasound and found out we are having a boy….this has made it much more real and helped to check me back in to the real world, where we will most likely have a new family member in our lives in a few more months. (You can see how I said “most likely”….I am still not 100% convinced that this is actually happening.)

I hate how I’ve let IF cloud over some of the normal happiness of pregnancy…but I guess its normal. And I do feel great physically, am showing now and am starting to feel the bond that I will share with my son…..that IF crippled part of me is still just waiting for the bad news. Too many war stories I suppose. That’s why I haven’t been blogging at all for the past few weeks….I was in denial that something GOOD could really actually be happening to us, and didn’t want to jinx anything.

I’m feeling a bit more optimistic these days, and once I feel this baby kicking in me, I’m sure the feelings will grow stronger. So I hope to get back to blogging a bit more and record some of the “good stuff” for once!

I also want to send out congrats to everyone who reads this that got pregnant in the meantime…(I stopped reading IF blogs too, but caught up tonight and was so pleased to find that most of the formerly IF women I am linked to are not IF anymore either.) And my heart goes out to those still struggling….I definitely have guilt about being IF and now pregnant and will always be thinking about those whose dreams haven’t been realized yet.

I had my first ultrasound today, at 7.5 weeks, and there was a fetus with a tiny fluttering heart.  So we’re on the right track, and it’s a relief!  I’ve been feeling so ill that I was pretty sure I was still pregnant, but one never knows.  That’s the one thing I’ve learned over this 2.5 year infertility process….we have zero control over outcomes.  We can do our best to get the results we desire, but nothing is certain and things will happen when they happen.

The morning sickness is definitely worst for me in the morning now.  It eases up for a bit in the afternoon and then swoops back in around 7 pm.  I’m going to describe what it feels like, because before I was pregnant, I was really curious as to how it feels…..like the stomach flu, like food poisoning, upset stomach…what to expect?

It really is it’s own thing, at least for me.  The best I can describe it is…..It’s kind of like just after you stop vomiting with the stomach flu.  You are pretty sure you are not going to vomit, but still feel queasy.  You have no appetite and the thought of food is a real “blech” inducer.  But then….in morning sickness world, if you DON’T eat that “blech” food, you will most definitely start to feel worse, MORE like vomiting.  So you must force yourself to eat.  And to add to the fun, you have a new life totally dependant on your food choices, so you are cramming down the most repulsive food you can imagine, like… broccoli.  This fun little cycle restarts every 2-3 hours.  During the afternoons when I am feeling less vomit-y, I actually can feel a few hunger pains, but the lack of appetite is still there, so it is quite a strange dilemma.  And in the middle of night when I wake up to pee,  dizziness gets thrown into the mix.  I munch crackers every time I wake up, which does help.  It also helps me gain way to much weight too quickly which is just the stinker of everything.  Cause when I have the stomach flu and don’t eat for a few days, at the end of it, I feel like, “well, at least I lost a few pounds out of the ordeal,” which is always a good thing for me.  In this state of pregnancy though, despite feeling ill and not enjoying much eating, I’ve put on 5 pounds in 2 weeks.

I’m not complaining here, just explaining.  Morning sickness is part of the pregnancy deal for me, so I’ll take it.  And I know it could be much worse, so I’ll be as happy as I can manage through it all.  With any luck it will ease up in a few weeks.  Hopefully I will still be pregnant by then!

I feel pretty barfy today – it has been coming in waves (any time of day), but today it just won’t let up.  And I want nothing to do with vegetables.  Which kind of stinks because I’m supposed to be eating 4+ servings a day.  I feel like a 3 year old..I am hiding the vegetables in other food in order to get them inside of me.   Morning sickness just seems like such a bad design…..just when you need it the most, food becomes repulsive.  How does this make any sense in the grand scheme of things?  At least I am able to keep everything down, so I’m just trying to eat as much of the recommended diet as I can…..which is really hard!  As a vegetarian, I was finding the 71 grams a protein a day a huge problem, and so have reluctantly added chicken back into my diet.   And its still tough!   A personal chef would be a great asset right now!  If anyone has any tips on getting all the nutrients in successfully or sure fire morning sickness tips, please share!

I’m pregnant.  Took my usual monthly pregnancy test before I went out drinking and it came up positive.  Which I was sure was a mistake (I was spotting and crampy).  So bought another one and sure enough.  I’ve had my bloodwork done and so far so good.  I am not really believing it yet, and keep having dreams where I  start drinking or doing aerobics and stuff and then suddenly remember that things are different now .  It just doesn’t feel real and I guess until a heartbeat is heard, it’s not.  That will happen in about 2 weeks, fingers crossed.

I just wanted to say for the record that no we didn’t stop trying and no, I didn’t “just relax.”  We did the same thing as we have every time we’ve been on our own….OPKs from day 12, sex on the day the test turns and the next day, whether we feel like it or not.   The way I figure it, every  month we probably have had about a 2% chance of conceiving, and this time, our number came up.  I’m feeling a bit nauseous and my boobs are sore and bigger, but otherwise I don’t feel any different.

So, I guess this is turning into a pregnancy blog…at least for the time being.

Sorry if I don’t sound more excited…..I am really REALLY hoping that a baby results from this, but have been through too much and have heard too many hearbreaking stories to expect it to be that easy.  If I make it past 12 weeks, perhaps I’ll grow a bit more confident in my condition.

After the second failed FET, I had to stop thinking about babies for a bit,  hence the lack of posting.  But life has gone on sans my pregnancy, and I am a bit less depressed than a few weeks ago.

We are no longer on my health insurance, which means that our frosties cannot be transferred for the time being, and we are left once again to our own devices.  Back to OPKs and having sex no matter our moods –  and in our experience,  sex on demand is not very sexy.  It actually kind of sucks.  Especially because we are only having sex at that particular point to produce a baby, and we know that the odds of that happening are pretty damn low if not zero.  However,  I have not given up all hope –  after all we do have sperm and we do have eggs, which is a start and more than some couples have, and for that we are grateful.  I just ordered Fertility Blend for my husband, in the hopes of supercharging those little fuckers.  During the last chat with my doc, he said as far as he could tell, my eggs were fine (and I did produce a ton of them)  and my hubby’s sperm was on the upswing, so I feel like if we can whip up some super sperm, maybe things will change for us.  I am switching between totally ignoring the fact that we had no natural fertilization occur in the petri dish, and rationalizing that the not-my-body-environment had something to do with that failure.  I also read somewhere that late ERs can yield eggs with a tougher exterior.  I have no idea if this is true or not, but if I read it on an IF support board it must be legit….ha.  It helps support my rationalization defense mechanism, so I’m sticking with it.   I am really not expecting anything and am resigned to the fact that another IVF is most likely in my future once we get on a decent health insurance again. I also bought some royal jelly tablets but I am scared to take them.  What a weird thing to eat.

Has anyone out there used natural or vitamin supplements and gotten pregnant after going through IF?

That’s about it…I’m trying not to focus on the fact that I am 32 now, no baby, and little prospects for at least the next 6 months.  Its hard to want a family, do everything you can to get one, and still come up short.  And the fact that most people make a family instantly and effortlessly makes it so much harder.  Of course you all know this.

But if I have to hear another story from someone (usually a very fertile woman) about the people they know who stopped trying and then got pregnant, I’m going to have to hurt someone.

I took an HPT this morning, its 10 dp3dt, so something should be showing on that goddamn test, but no, only one clear solid line.  My blood test is on Monday, I guess I’ll POAS Sunday just to confirm the news.  I had been on and off crampy this whole time, which my Hope Addict was sure was a sign that this time was different.  But today I am feeling period crampy, which would be about right, as I ovulated on Thursday or Friday 2 weeks ago.  

I hadn’t posted this month because, well,  I am sick and tired of talking about it.  Everyone knows and I have to tell everyone what’s going on, and there is just nothing left to say so it sucks to pretend to be positive and optimistic about it. And that there is any rhyme or reason to it all.  Especially when everyone is so sure it will work.  

The transfer was uneventful, other than the fact that my bladder wasn’t full and the mean doctor (the one I hate who was the only one on duty that day of course) had to rig up some tortuous implement to make sure the embryos got in ok.  She said they did, and it was a “smooth transfer” but of course I am blaming this BFN on my less than full bladder.  

I hate my infertility.  Hate my body for not doing what it is naturally programmed to do.  Hate hate hate.

We are done now for awhile and I have no other choice but to live with it…. I left my job when we moved and my husband’s insurance won’t cover infertility treatment, so that’s it for us for awhile.  Maybe Obama will help us all out soon with the crappy insurance issues.  We have 3 frosties left, but only one of them looked somewhat interesting to the doc.  I’m thinking that if 4 of the surviving 7 embryo didn’t work, there is something wrong with them/wrong with the “material” that went into making them.  I guess we will try on our own until something happens to let us pay for those last freezer babies.  I am thinking of buying that “fertility blend” …  has anyone ever used it?  Feels like the equivalent of buying the magic elixir at an old time medicine show.  But hey, grasping at straws is all we’ve got. 

How does one not become completely and utterly depressed?  I guess life goes on whether I am pregnant or not.  In a few weeks, we are going to UK to visit my sister in law who just gave birth to her 3rd child in 5 years.  As awful as it is, it will be very hard for me to share in the joy and happiness of the latest birth.  

Sigh.  Hope anyone who reads my blog is well.   In addition to not writing, I have not been reading about infertility either this past month…had to remove myself from it a bit.  But I know that for those of us who are not pregnant, staying in a community is helpful no matter how hard it seems, so I will make an effort going forward to support my infertile sisters. 

Best to you all…

Saw the doc this morning, who suggested a natural cycle frozen cycle to change things up this time.  I am super excited about this, as I am anti-drug in general, and have been pretty horrified by the amount of IVF drugs I have consumed over the last three months.  I will still have to take medrol and keflex around the transfer, plus a small progesterone support afterwards.  Compared to what I’ve been taking, this is a huge reduction… the pharmaceutical companies are going to wonder what happened to their revenue stream.

I am on cycle day 1, and will see the doc on cycle day 5, then probably cycle day 9.  I will be monitoring my ovulation through OPK and he will monitor through ultrasound, and hopefully between the two of us we can get the transfer timing correct (he says 3 days after OPK surge).  To make things interesting, I am moving out of state next weekend, so that the next time I go back after CD9, I will be making a 3 hour trip to see the doc.  And if its anything like the other appointments I’ve been to, the actual exam will last about 17.3 seconds, making the 6 hour round trip seem exceptionally cruel.  I’m sure there will be a lot of waiting room action, though, which will bizzarely probably make me feel better about it.  We discussed moving the embryos, but that makes me too nervous, so I’m going to suck it up and travel ALOT for FET #2.  Luckily I have a few friends in the area where I can crash, so that should help a bit with the back and forth.

Doc put up the option of a second attempt at a fresh cycle, but noted that I might just always hyperstimulate for IVF, and a fresh cycle is not necessarily in my future.  I had never considered this before, which was a bit depressing.  He said for my IVF cycle I was on a small dose of drugs to begin with and dropped down to nothing at the end, and still had moderate/severe OHSS, so he figures it will be tricky/lucky/impossible to not get my ovaries in a frenzy the next time.  In which case we would freeze everything again and do another frozen cycle, in which case we might as well use the frosties we currently have.  He says 3 of the 5 are looking good, which was encouraging to me, because I have been thinking they’re all rejects.

I am really hoping our baby is in that freezer somewhere….

It didn’t work.  I took an 2 HPTs Sunday morning, both negative, which prepared me for Monday’s blood test result.  We are going to see the doc this morning to talk about how to move forward.  We do have 5 other frozen embryos, but their quality is not great.  I am still going to give them a shot, while mentally preparing for IVF #2.

There is nothing to say here except that life is not fair sometimes.  We have done everything right to become parents, spent alot of money and have nothing to show for it except the 15 pounds I have gained, and a deep heartache.  We will try again.  I may be up for another IVF cycle, just to get a fresh transfer done, and if that doesn’t work, I think I will be out.


This is Florida’s reaction to the sentiment that every human should be doing their part to conserve energy…..you know, what with those pesky greenhouse gases and global warming.  And on a lesser scale but just as important for everyone to keep in mind –  people are losing their houses, jobs and can’t afford fuel.  The lack of conscientiousness is astounding.